Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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