Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He did a backflip because drugs
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