it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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