I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
