Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
