my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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