Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
