Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
