It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
