remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
