For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
