a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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