"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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