Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
