im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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