you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
