were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
