I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
