it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
