Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
