Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Randomize
