Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
