I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
