Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
