so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
