i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
