found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
