your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
