We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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