I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
