I will die if light touches me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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