I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
