the condom got lost in my hair
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
