I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Randomize
