I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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