shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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