just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
