you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
