yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
