i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
