I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
