Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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