dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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