Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
