I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
