My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
