Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
