Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
