i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
