As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
