I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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